The tale of Paranoid Man

When you spend a lot of time in one location the people around you become part of the tapestry of the place. The permanent characters are like the threads that are integral to the design, whilst the visitors are merely shadows passing over the surface. The presence of some is so fleeting that they barely attract your attention, but others linger long enough to draw you into observing them. I think it is a lingering effect of my time in the police that makes me study and observe people. From my under my tree on the beach in Unawatuna I have observed such diversity in human behaviour that I realise now how much I had sheltered myself in the years between leaving the police and vacating England.

This is the curious case of ‘Paranoid Man’.

He arrived on the beach around the end of July and beginning of August and stayed long enough to pique my curiosity. Like most people he had chosen his favourite place to hang out, this being Hard Rock on the beach, but he didn’t appear to mingle much. When people stay a while they are usually befriended by at least one of the beach boys, who will become their best friend for the duration of their stay in exchange for a beer or two and gradually they will be drawn into the social circle that exists on the beach. This didn’t happen with ‘Paranoid Man’; he didn’t appear to attract any ‘friends’. He always remained on the periphery and in fact, now I think of it, the boys seemed wary of him. Such was his reticence that it was difficult to distinguish what nationality he was.

After a few weeks he left as most people do eventually and the shadow passed from the tapestry. It’s a little like having a mouth ulcer; you notice its arrival and continuing presence, but rarely do you remember the day it left.

But then he came back and again my curiosity was piqued.

I was sitting at the beach at Hard Rock for a change late one afternoon when he decided to take up a table behind me. At the same time there was a rather pitiful mangy dog with a crater on its ear that had chosen the same table under which to lie. It was then that I noticed a powerful and unpleasant pungent odour coming from the direction of the table. So I informed the guy that he had an extremely smelly dog under his table and the dog was encouraged to vacate.

This opened up the opportunity to engage in conversation, but now how I wish it hadn’t. I was left stunned and astonished after only 5 minutes.

I commented that he had been away, nothing like stating the obvious, but I noticed that he looked briefly alarmed.

When I asked if he’d been on a tour he told me he had been in Colombo. Normally people that are here for any length of time begrudgingly go to Colombo for only a day; a period of weeks is unheard of. So I progressed the conversation and asked if he had been working there; maybe he was an NGO. His reply surprised me; he told me that he had been engaged in surveillance.

I endeavoured to conceal my surprise and suspicion and asked if he was in the police. I’ve heard that sometimes former police officers can find positions out here that would perhaps engage them in such activities, but he said no and became a bit evasive especially when I informed him that I had been a bobby for 14 years. Apparently he had been watching many people in Colombo, but by this point I wanted to put my fingers in both ears and sing ‘La la la la’. In this climate it is better to be ignorant of these things.

Something else also bothered me and it has to do with the film ‘Fight Club’. The first rule of Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Fight Club. I also know this of people who are legitimately involved in undercover and surveillance operations – they don’t talk about it.

But it got better and I really struggled to keep a straight face as he told me that he had friends within a Chinese gambling ring and that he had a Chinese/Korean girlfriend in Colombo who was extremely jealous and had him followed everywhere. He told me that there were surveillance teams on his tail all the time and that they hid on the surrounding hillsides monitoring his every move with binoculars. Now I understood his look of alarm when I made it known that I had observed his absence. He must have thought I was part of that team.

We conversed a little bit more and he expounded some alarming conspiracy theories that involved collusion between nurses and the police in England to give people drugs to keep them under control. And I don’t mean on a Friday night in a busy cell block. Righto!

I realised amidst all this startling revelations that the dog had departed, but the odour hadn’t, which meant that it was him all along. Eeuuw!! Even after he eventually left the odour lingered. It was as though it had embedded itself in my nostrils as did the smell of dead bodies on a Sunday morning years ago in the police. No matter how much you snort it’s nearly impossible to expel and you think that only inserting a cake of soap up your nose will eradicate the smell.

It was such an interesting 5 minutes and not what I had expected at all when I first opened my mouth to engage in conversation. Eventually I managed to share the experience with my friend Emily who found it equally entertaining and we were both reduced to giggles.

That brief encounter was not the end of the matter, however and ‘Paranoid Man’ as we had now named him began to exhibit some extraordinary behaviour. He was constantly watching us and must have convinced himself that both me and Emily were part of a surveillance operation, so he appeared to be taking countermeasures. Whenever he thought we weren’t looking he would be watching us and then he started to try to observe Emily, (she was spending more time at the beach than I was), through the clothes racks at the little beach shop.

He had already claimed Hard Rock as his territory, but he started straying into the adjacent Rock View where we hang out. One evening he nonchalantly walked past Emily and her boyfriend and tried to sit down in a deck chair; unfortunately it hadn’t been erected correctly and promptly collapsed underneath him. He appeared to consider that this was part of the conspiracy against him because he increased his countermeasures and poor Emily got the brunt of it.

He would stalk past her, watching her intently and try unsuccessfully to engage her in conversation; when she was dining out with Rasika he would sit at the adjacent table, even though there were other empty ones, and watch them intently, listening to their chatter.

Maybe in his head he thought he was blowing the surveillance operation apart by identifying operatives and turning the tables on them. I don’t know, but it was very fascinating behaviour.

Eventually as his subtle tactics appeared to be failing and we remained at the beach, watching him he resorted to being more direct in his approach and one night when Emily was enjoying her beer on the beach he plonked himself down on the sand next to her and said “you’ve Emily aren’t you? I know you are Emily”. At which point said Emily completely freaked out, but somehow managed to retain her composure until Rasika arrived to rescue her.

The more bizarre his behaviour became the more we observed him, which I guess just escalated his paranoia. One of the guys who had made a brief attempt to befriend him told us that he was a ‘drugs man’, that explains everything! ‘Paranoid man’ had told him that he couldn’t go back to England because the police would be waiting for him as soon as he stepped through the airport.

An army of men in white coats bearing straitjackets I would have thought.

The things and people I see from under my tree!!!!!!

Don't take your cheese for granted

It was July the last time that I had decent cheese. I just don’t know they think they are doing when they make cheese here, but they just don’t get it. There is Ball Cheese, which is exactly what it says it is; a ball of cheese coated in red wax. It is unremarkable in taste; eating a candle would be equally satisfactory and in fact eating it raw is not recommended at all. It is reserved for cooking only, when at least it becomes a little more palatable. There is some other cheese that comes in huge blocks but again it is entirely devoid of flavour.

So imagine my overwhelming joy when I discovered Red Leicester and English Mature Cheddar in a supermarket in Colombo. The attendant on the counter was highly amused at my state of excitement. I think I spent over £12 on 400grams of cheese! I am going to make myself seriously sick on it for the next few days; my body has adjusted to a diet with little dairy in it, but do I care!! Nooooo! It will be February before my next fix.

So next time you pick up your cheese at the supermarket – think of me and enjoy every mouthful.

Becoming more Sri Lankan

I know I’ve been here a long time now, not just in the days marked off on a calendar, but because of changes in my attitude.

One of these is the adjustment to the climate. Don’t get me wrong it’s still bloody hot – to take a quote from Good Morning Vietnam “it’s hotter than a snakes ass in a wagon rut” – but I notice when the temperature drops below 30ºC. Whilst tourists are happy to dive in the sea I find myself shivering and considering putting on a jumper and thinking that they must be insane to take a dip in such conditions.

In the last couple of weeks there has been an influx of tourists, considerably more than this time last year and I am drawn to looking at them; it’s just so unusual to see so many white people walking around the village. Even more unusual is the sight of white people walking around Galle. But why oh why do they insist on wearing beach attire into town. It's just so wrong!! Perhaps I should be a bit more tolerant the next time some dork on a moped nearly drives into the back of a bus because he’s too busy looking at me on the back of my motorbike. It does grate a bit when you get stared at so much and it makes you want to snap “haven’t you seen a bloody white person before”. Especially in a country that was under colonial rule for so long!

The Sri Lankan’s actually have a lovely phrase for dealing with such intrusive behaviour and it translates into “have I got a parade going across my face”. I haven’t actually dared to use it yet because I get things mixed up and would probably end up telling them that my uncle’s goat fornicated with the dog! My mispronunciation of things is normal; I murder people’s names so it’s safer for me to stick to Malli – young brother.

Me and a friend went on a shopping trip to Colombo the other day and overdosed on junk food, but you know what – McDonald’s breakfast was great but give me fresh curry and fresh bread any day.

Garlic is another issue. I remember that before coming here buying maybe a bulb a month and using just one clove was acceptable, two was just insane! Now it’s bought by the kilo and one clove is considered a waste of time; half a bulb goes in to every meal and it’s quite normal. I do probably reek of the stuff, however and this was brought home to me after the Colombo trip. I didn’t eat any garlic all day, but when I came home I noticed it so much on Raja when normally I wouldn’t be able to detect it.

It is a fallacy that garlic keeps mosquitoes away. Given that every day I am consuming at least half a bulb I still get bitten every night.

I also recall being intimidated by fresh chillies and using them sparingly having made sure to remove the seeds whilst wearing rubber gloves. Not so now; unsheathed hands chop the whole lot in and whack it in. The chilli-con-carne that I prepared and considered to be quite mild in heat had Raja perspiring profusely and reaching for the coconut to tone it down.

ouch

They say dogs are like their owners.....

Kali has learned to ride on the footplate of Raja's scooter. As soon as we leave the house she jumps straight on board ready to go. She's a biker chick alright and sits there very proudly as we taz along.

My pretty little wolf

Not impressed with bath-time

Ooooh I've been so broody and desperate for a puppy and here she is at last. Kali.
Sadly fleas and ticks are a daily problem so she has regular baths. As you can see, she's not terribly impressed by this. The indignity of it.

Sorry Viv - not quite a sunset

The sky behind Rock View after a storm

View of the kitchen

The land is covered in large boulders, which have had to be blown away. Raja has had team of cousins working for him on this seemingly impossible task.

They have achieved this by using a hammer and chisel to drill holes into the rock and then it's been blasted with dynamite.

The eye-opener is that it's all done by hand, no electrical power tools here. They are also paid per foot they drill. Their rate for this is the equivalent of 75p per foot. Some days they manage to earn about £3-£4. Scary eh??!!!

The view from what will be our bedroom. I can hear the waves rolling in and I should be able to see the surfers from here.

Raja is learning to be strict with me about animals. He's realised that given a chance I will turn it into a sanctuary up here. I've already been told I can't have a cow or a goat. But he's not said 'no' to chickens yet. LOL

Our home

This is the start our home. It's a beautiful plot of land on the mount that looks over the bay. The two boulders are the size of small elephants and will be an integral feature in the kitchen. It should help keep it cool!!!!

The structure already there is the foundations for the bedroom, which will have a balcony looking out towards the sea.

Hopefully it will be ready for Christmas.

Tarka the invisible

Tarka and Rochester Rabbit

A memory that still makes me smile.

I was told it was impossible. It won't work. A Borzoi and a rabbit in the same house just isn't going to work. But here they are sharing Tarka's bed.

After the storm has gone

Around the time this was taken Unawatuna had been battered by brutal thunderstorms for about 2 days. I've never heard anything like it. The thunder rolled continuously around the sky all night, with claps that shook the ground and sounded like bombs going off overhead.

It was bliss when it final broke.

Dinner!!!!

Can ya tell what it is yet?

Back where I belong

I've been back in Sri Lanka for about 4 weeks now and it feels like I never left. Returning was like coming home.

I'm renting an apartment now with a kitchen and dining room for the grand sum of 2.50 a day. It's great - I can have tea when I like and I don't have to get up early for breakfast. It will sound really bizarre, but when you've been somewhere like this for a long time having all your meals and drinks in restaurants becomes tiresome.

Downside is that the kitchen was designed with deeewarfs in mind and the worktop only reaches my thighs. Consequently I've had a bad back for 4 weeks!!!! Oh well - can't have everything.

I'm just happy to be back here.

Aha - We found Nemo

Stingray

Here I go again into the big blue yonder

One Giant Leap......

The Ministry of Silly Walks would be proud of me.

Do something that scares you everyday!!!!!

I did my Open Water Diver course!!!!! And yes it did scare me for 3 days, but wow what an experience.

I've always been curious, but I don't like snorkelling too much, I hate water up my nose etc!!!! I've also been frightened of the idea of being out there with so many things I can't see and don't understand and all that space.

But I decided that it was time I pushed another boundary. That's what a lot of this trip has been about, expanding boundaries and leaving comfort zones to experience something new.

I have to say that I'm pretty amazed at a lot of what I have achieved in my 7 months away. The Jo a lot of people knew from years ago and probably even last year wouldn't have dared do what this Jo does!!! And without the help of anti-depressants too!!!!

So - whilst I have been in Thailand I decided to book myself on a course. The first time I went underwater with all the gear on I panicked big style and was all ready for climbing out of the pool in defeat. But as always, I have that gentle feeling of support from above and I pushed through the terror and gradually became more comfortable with it all.

By day 3 I was quite happy to be out in the sea for my 2 final dives. I have been totally blown away by the experience. It must be what it's like to float over the moon's surface but with fish!!!! LOL

All that life going about its business totally unaware and unconcerned with what us lunatic humans are getting up to. It makes you look at your life in a very different light. Since when do fish worry about the price of bread etc!!!!

Light traffic in Bangkok

Sunset at Bankai - Koh Phangan, Thailand

Party girl's last night in Sri Lanka

Only in Sri Lanka

A guy comes onto the beach selling the most horrendous and ghastly fabric flowers. Whilst we were all reaching for the sunglasses, however, all the boys on the beach rushed out to get a really good look at them. They were really impressed and we were in stitches

The Expat Girls

Beck, Emily, Me and Sarah

Angel wisdom

Ants don't believe in fish, but they exist!!!

It makes perfect sense when you think about it really, although I confess it took me a few days of scratching my head to figure it out.

Leaving Sri Lanka

Well, after 6 months, I left Sri Lanka!!!!

But it's only temporary! I return on 2nd March for another 3 months. I can't explain it, but the place is deeply lodged in my being and I'm homesick for it.

What is strange is that I never felt like that about England. I can't wait to return to sit on the beach under my tree drinking iced coffee and playing Deuce!!!! No it's not rude!

Bangkok is like a test of endurance. It assaults the senses on every level and I'm so glad I listened to the voice that urged me not to stay there for 7 nights. It's not terribly cheap either. But that is possibly because I now compare it to the cost of living in Sri Lanka rather than England.

Motorbike taxis are the best way of getting round undoubtedly, but should be considered an extreme sport. In addition to helmets they should issue knee pads. Some of the gaps the riders squeeze through really make you suck your stomack in.

Traffic is permanently gridlocked and it makes me wonder about how many people are sat in their cars at any one time and, if they are all in their cars is anyone left at home. It made me feel like Crocodile Dundee on his arrival in New York when he said it must be a friendly place, all those people wanting to live together!!!! I am not a city girl at all.

I'm now on Ko PhaNgan which is interesting. So many foreigners!!!! I still think like a Sri Lankan and I find that my exclamations are usually in Sinhala too. Ayo! Pow Eddy mata!!!! LOL

Riding my motorbike in England will be a doddle after the roads of Sri Lanka. Forget the odd stray sheep, there is nothing like dodging dopey cows, even more dopey people and playing chicken with an on-coming bus that is on the wrong side of the road bearing 300 people. And I'm not joking about the number of people. There are no road rules, other than might rules! Oh and sound your horn at every opportunity.

Beep - I'm here
Beep - you're there
Beep - I'm coming past you
Beep - Get out of my way
Beep - There's a cow at the side of the road
Beep - Do I know you?
Beep - There's another cow
Beep - I'm here

But nobody shouts at each other!! An English woman shouting "Oi Wanker, what about your indicators, give us a clue" from the back of a bike is not something they are used to. I continue with Raja's education in road rage techniques. LOL

More fire twirling

Fire twirling

Dimutu lost in music at the NYE party

The final sunset of 2006

There was something so spiritual about seeing this sunset. It gave me the opportunity to say thank you for how my year was ending and that I had been able to make my dream come true.

More Christmas

Sarah me and Suranga

Norman - everyday Sunday

Norman is one of my favourite characters in Unawatuna and has many pearls of wisdom to share if you can understand him.

His favourite saying is "Everyday Sunday"

The other is "Slip of the tongue not fault of the brain"

Go figure.

Nature's palette

How many amazing shades of grey can nature create!!!

Boys always think they know best

Pah!!!!

Raja and Iranka crept up on me and Liz to see what we were up to and thought it hysterical that we were trying to fly a kite.

Iranka's theory was that the kite was faulty. Not that lack of wind had anything to do with it. To get my own back I told him he would have more chance if he climbed down the cliffs. It still didn't fly. But it kept them quiet for a while and gave us something to laugh at.

What a perfect way to end a day

How perfect is this?! Sunset on "The Platform" at the Blow Hole. They bring you beer whilst you watch the sun go down.

A bit more sunset

A spectacular sunset

Lets go fly a kite

To be consigned to my mental - "not one of my best ideas" folder!!!!!

It was too cloudy to lie on the beach so I had the bright idea of trying to fly a kite from the top of the temple. Assisting in the attempt is Liz.

The missing ingredient was the wind. Not even a slight breeze to ruffle its feathers. It's a good job it was quiet and secluded up there or else everyone would have seen two demented English women trying to get it airborn.

My first sunrise

It only took 4 months, but this was the first sunrise I saw in Unawatuna.

After a night of dancing in Hikaduwa I climbed up to Raja's land to see the sun come up. It was truly beautiful.